Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
