i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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