Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
