It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
