Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Houston, we have a blender
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
