why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
