you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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