Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
