When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
And then he peed in my hair
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
