You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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