also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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