Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
