yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
