Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
