he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
