tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
