You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
