wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
