You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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