It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
