Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
