so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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