I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
