cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
