I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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