My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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