Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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