haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize