Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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