don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
