Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
