I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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