I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
