this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
