What did we do last night that was yellow?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
