1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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