I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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