Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
