I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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