I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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