Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
