Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
