Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
