Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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