i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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