i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
