Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
