I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
