My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
