Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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