when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
