remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
