her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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