a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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