He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize