I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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