I met the friendliest cop last night
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
