thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
