he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I need to calm my uterus...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
