I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
