fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
