I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
pray to the hookup gods
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
