I wannas sexs uuuuu
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
