I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Let's get the cat blown out
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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